JOIN THE CONVERSATION: APPLE | SPOTIFY | GOOGLE
Steph: Welcome to the kitchen counter podcast. I’m Stephanie and I’m here today with
Steph: And today we are talking all about boundaries, but before we get started, we’re gonna do a little segment really quick. Um, Camille and I both love books. I’m just gonna put it out there. We both love books so much.
Camille: We have a little book club that we share our greatest FAS and the ones that we think each other would love to read. So
Steph: Like constantly. So Camille, what are you reading right now?
Camille: So I have been reading this whole summer actually, because here’s the thing. I don’t really sit down and read a lot of books. I mostly listen to books, but in the summertime, I really do like to try and pick a book that I take with me when we go to the beach or when we go to the pool or when we travel. So my summer travel book has been Jenna Kutcher’s, how are you? Really? Um, and it, I love like the subtitle. It’s living your truth. One answer at a time. And I kind of feel like this book is going to go perfectly with what we are talking today, because it’s asking yourself those really hard questions of like, how are you really? So that’s what I’ve been reading right now. Love it. Highly recommend. It’s a good one.
Steph: Okay. That was also my summer book. And I usually am the same way. I don’t ever have like hard copies of books except for ones that I like really love and really want. That’s one that I have a hard copy of too. And I love that book. It has been so good. Haven’t finished it yet. Cuz I’m a slow finding time to read yes. A real book or yes, exactly. Books, a real books, but a physical book, but
Camille: To sit down and actually read like hold a physical book. I love listening to books. I can do that while I’m cleaning and folding laundry and doing dishes, but like a real book. It’s like a treat to sit down and read it. But yeah, it’s a good one. Okay. What are you reading stuff.
Steph: Okay. This one was relevant today and actually my therapist recommended this to me when I first started like my therapy journey, but it’s called set boundaries. Find peace by Nedra Glover Towa. Well, let me just tell you, first of all, if you aren’t following her on Instagram, you need to follow her like her daily. She calls them Nedra nuggets. They are so good. They are so good.
Steph: So follow her if you’re not already, but her book is fantastic. Especially if you have never set boundaries before or you are just like starting off realizing, oh, I maybe need to set some boundaries in my life. 10 out of 10 would recommend. Yes.
Camille: I love the way she breaks down boundaries in a way that I can understand. And the examples that she shares like in her nuggets are just, they always resonate with me so much. So yes. I love her. She’s on, she’s been on a lot of podcasts too. And so I’ve listened to her to talk about boundaries with other people and it’s, it’s, she’s amazing. So for sure, Google her find her cuz she’s so good.
Steph: She is. I love her. Okay. So today we’re talking all about boundaries. Let’s talk about boundaries. Yes. Um, one thing that I did wanna say first, I feel like maybe we can talk about what we’re talking about when we’re talking about setting boundaries. I feel like it’s a buzzword. Sure. But I feel like sometimes it’s used incorrectly.
Camille: Yeah. It’s a really like, uh, hot word that everybody’s saying right now. And it’s cool to set boundaries right now. So <laugh> people are doing it. Yeah. But I think a lot of times, um, what people are really talking about are not boundaries and you don’t have to have as many boundaries as some people say, like, I would say boundaries are more the exception than the rule. Like I don’t have a ton of boundaries in my life, but the ones that I do have are very important and are a game changer to me in my daily life. So
Steph: Yes. And I think too, like for me Bo, I put boundaries in place as a way to protect me. Yes. And to protect my family. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. And so like you said, a lot of the time there, there aren’t, there isn’t a need for boundaries for every tiny little thing, but in certain situations, in certain relationships with certain things like boundaries are there to protect you, whether that’s your emotional health, your mental health, your spiritual health, your physical health, like that’s what boundaries are for the, for your protection and safety. Yes. At least for me, that’s what I think of.
Camille: Yes, definitely. And I think, um, I had to really learn that like boundaries aren’t about changing other people. People are going to make the choices they’re going to make, but what boundaries do is they give you back your power to choose how you are going to react and choose how you are going to show up or choose how you are going to change you. And suddenly it becomes all about me and like what, how I want to show up and how I want to be and how I want my life to look in that situation. And so I love that. It just suddenly becomes, you can do whatever you want to do, but this is what I’m going to do.
Steph: Yes. I love that. And I feel like that is a very important like clarification to make is that it’s like, you’re going to set boundaries to protect yourself, protect your peace, right. Yes. And a lot of the time or a hundred, let me rephrase that a hundred percent of the time, you will not have control over how people react to your boundaries. You never will have control about how they react. The only thing you have control over is the boundaries you set and how you keep them.
Camille: Great. And you and I step have talked about how we are both, um, very much people pleasers and maybe we’ve even thrown around the term, recovering people pleasers because we are learning that just like you said, people get to choose how they are going to respond and they are going to choose how they feel about cert certain situations. And um, what I love is that, um, I’m not in control of how people are going to choose to feel and it’s okay if sometimes people are angry, that’s okay. Like they get to choose that. And it’s not my responsibility, how they are going to respond, but it is my responsibility to decide how I wanna show up and how I want to be and what I want my life to look like and what peace I want in my life. And so that’s where boundaries have made a really big, uh, like have become a really big part of my life because I went so many years without having any boundaries as a people pleaser.
And like, as somebody who just doesn’t like to ruffle feathers, I would much rather feel uncomfortable than make anybody else feel uncomfortable. Like I am willing to take that on. And, um, I’m willing to, you know, suffer a little bit so that nobody else has to, but I found that after years and years of doing that, I had built up so much resentment and anger and even like disappointment in myself because I was so worried about everyone else that I stopped worrying about me. And so it, as I started going to therapy and kind of working through all these problems and issues and that my therapist was like, you need to set some boundaries in your life. You need to decide who you are going to allow in your life and who is not going to be in your life and what you are going to allow in your life.
And like, just decide for yourself what it is that you are going to do to protect your peace. And I was like, I’ve never thought about what it is that I want. I’ve always been concerned about my kids and my husband and my job and my, you know, my sisters and everything else that’s going on. And all the different people I interact with. I’ve always been so concerned about them that I forgot to be concerned about me. And so it was really weird to kind of sit down and decide what is it that I want? And like, what do I want this life to look like for me? And what’s going to bring me the most internal piece and happiness.
Steph: Absolutely. Okay. Can I just say too, when I like the first time I maybe heard about boundaries probably was like, in some random like Instagram post or something, like I had no idea like what they were, how they affected your life, how they can change your life. And for a long time, my mindset around boundaries was, oh, no, no, no, no, no. That’s not kind. That’s not nice. That’s not good. And it’s like, okay, well to go back to what you were talking about, like it’s kind to yourself, like, yeah, yeah, you may be bending over backwards and being kind to literally everybody else around, but that’s one of the meanest, most horrible things you can do to yourself and a thing setting boundaries are not, it’s not a bad thing. So if you have that mindset, like it’s time to change it. Setting boundaries helps you show up in your best, most like right. Foot forward kind of way every time.
Steph: With the best kind of energy and the right mindset and boundaries are not bad. They are so good. They are so good for you. Good for your relationships. Like they can help you thrive. And, and I wish somebody would’ve told me that five years ago,
Camille: Even like 10 years ago that would’ve been said for me, the middle of my marriage. Okay. So can I share with you one boundary that I have had to set with my kids that going right along with that? Because I felt like boundaries were selfish. And so I didn’t have any boundaries in place. Like I was open and available to my kids at all times. And I was there at their Beck and call and I, the that’s what moms do, right? Your baby is born. And when they cry, you run to them immediately because you are the one that’s taking care of them and it’s your job to console them and feed them and, you know, provide for them. But as your kids get older and become more independent, it’s this new phase of life where you don’t have to respond to their, every Beck and call.
And so my kids are getting older. I have got the age range from age 15, all the way down to five. And so my baby is five. Like she’s even independent a lot more independent now, but, um, something that’s so that I, I have noticed over the years is how much I hate when my kids will be like upstairs and I’m on the downstairs level and they’ll be like, mom, mom, like just screaming my name. And like, I can just feel the anger and resentment building up inside of me. And so then I start yelling, what, what do you want I’m downstairs. Like, and it just becomes this yelling match. And I would just have so much angry feelings by the time I finally see my kid. I’m like, what do you want? I just thought I do not like showing up this way. I do not like being yelled at. And just a couple weeks ago, I just realized, you know what? No more like my kids, if they wanna talk to me, I will not respond to when they yell my name. Obviously when there’s an emergency, I will respond. That’s a different kind of mom yell. I recognize at yell. I know when it’s an emergency, there’s,
Steph: There’s a difference there,
Camille: There’s a difference you can tell and moms know this, but just the everyday stuff, like when they can’t find a pair of socks or they’re struggling with, you know, a missing shoe, I don’t know what it is, but when they’re yelling for me, I, my, the boundary that I’ve set is I won’t respond. They can come find me and talk to me at a normal volume. But if they are yelling at me, I will not respond. And you know, what is so fascinating. So I set this boundary and I just, I, I made the decision in my head and that’s all that a boundary is, is just making a decision for yourself of what is going to help you keep your peace. So I made that decision and I even told my husband, you know what, I’m not gonna respond anymore when somebody yells mom.
Um, so it happened again. My daughter was like screaming for mom, mom, and I just ignored her. I didn’t, I didn’t respond. And that almost made her more furious and she was yelling louder and louder. And, um, it probably took her a good 10, 15 minutes. By the time she finally walked down the stairs and came and found me, I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day. But like the, one of the hardest parts for me was to not respond the specialties. I could tell that she was getting more angry and more angry. Like she knew I was downstairs. She wasn’t in any danger, so don’t worry about that. But, um, she had to, I had to be okay with her being frustrated with me that I wasn’t responding. And she eventually came downstairs and found me and I was able to help her and I didn’t have to yell back. And so that is one of the boundaries I have in place. You cannot yell mom. <laugh>
Steph: I love it. Also. I definitely had that shouting match this morning while I was getting my kids out the door to school. So now I’m like, huh, I do find myself getting really elevated as I shout upstairs to my children and they shout back down and it’s like, but don’t shout, cuz your brother’s taken a nap. Like it just is like, oh geez, Louis. Okay. Yeah. I love it. I love that boundary.
Camille: We’re all yelling. I just feel like it just, the chaos of everything has just become so much. I just don’t want to live in that way. And um, yeah, I found when I can just be quiet and let my kids come find me and we can talk normal. I just even notice like, oh my gosh, like, yeah, this is so much more calm collected. It’s like me channeling my adult self, not my kid self screaming. So yeah.
Steph: Joining in this shouting match.
Camille: Yes, totally.
Steph: I love that. Can I share one of my boundaries that I said yes. And it was because of the same reason. Um, I found so a lot of things that we have going on at work and things that we have had going on at work in the last like couple of years have been some like high, high stress situations. Um, and like things that would cause me a lot of anxiety and like a lot of like keep me up at night, couldn’t sleep like, and my husband, um, for those of you who didn’t know this, he uh, helps with our finances on sexist or stuff. And so he has a lot of information and like background information about what I do at work. Right. And so, but a lot of the time, like we’re so busy, like he has a job all day, I’m working and with the kids all day.
And so by the time bedtime rolls around and it’s like, we finally are like together, the house is quiet cuz the kids are asleep. Like at this point usually it’s like almost 10:00 PM every night. Right? Yeah. Because we just, there are so many things going on and I notice this is like probably like three ish years ago when this started, but I noticed that we would get to bed and we’d be just like laying in bed, talking like, as we were like getting ready for bed and like going to sleep or whatever. And every time he would bring up a work related subject, I would spiral like I would just completely spiral. I would be up on that. Like literally like I’d be up till like 2, 3, 4 o’clock in the morning, like cuz I could not shut my brain off. And I realized like, and then I’d wake up the next morning and it’d be so angry cuz I was like, I got less than two hours of sleep last night because I also have a three month old baby.
Like you can’t bring up these conversations. And then finally I was like, oh my gosh. Like, okay, we, I am setting a boundary for myself because this is causing me so much stress in my life that we cannot talk about anything work related after 10:00 PM. Like just blanket statement all the time. And it doesn’t matter when or why or what, no work talk after 10:00 PM so that I can sleep. And it was like at the time it felt like so weird to be like, he’d like bring something out that I’d be like, ask me in the morning. Thanks. Like <laugh> like stick to that boundary, but let me tell you, wow, did it help my sleep so much? So, so much.
Camille: Isn’t that crazy? Like just making that small choice cuz that’s the thing boundaries don’t have to be huge, but even just doing something as small as saying, Hey, after 10:00 PM, let’s not talk about work anymore. Like that changed so much and just helps you to feel that inner peace. And it’s just, it’s pretty incredible. Like I just really feel like having those boundaries really does give you your power back and, and your peace back. And they’re just sometimes small things, but it makes all the difference. So I love it.
Steph: I was gonna say too, you sent me this and this goes back to your boundaries with your children, but I’m gonna read what you sent me because I thought it was so good. Kail sent me this screenshot, but it’s this picture and it says, or a, I don’t know what you’d call it like a, a image with words on it, I guess. Yeah. I don’t know. Yeah, but it says a good mom sacrifices, everything for her children and then everything for her children is like struck out with a line through it. Yeah. And it says underneath that in like smaller writing a lot for her children and she realizes the importance of prioritizing her own needs too, because happy healthy moms are the best moms. You said that to me. And I was like, I met, oh, let me, oh, there is a thing at the bottom.
The on it’s from the honest peach. Let me give credit where credit’s stupid. It’s from the honest peach. But let me tell you that like sings to my soul because I feel like that was like my idea of motherhood, like going into motherhood, having kids, it was like, no, like I have to sacrifice everything that I am all of my hopes, all of my dreams. Like, no, it should be completely just my children. And it’s like, while it isn’t like you chose to be a parent. Yeah. You chose to have children. Like you do have responsibilities to love and care and nurture those children. Yeah. But that does not mean you sacrifice your entire being and your entire personality.
Steph: To be just mom. Like you have no boundaries there and, and that’s not healthy.
Camille: Yeah. You know, what’s so fascinating about that. Like I feel like this is the journey that I am on. Um, I feel like I was super, um, what’s the word to describe it? Like I was just, I’ve always been so involved and um, just always been such a hard worker my whole life. Like from the
Steph: Time I very driven.
Camille: Yeah. I’m very driven and like I, I have goals and, and I’d always reach those goals. Yeah. Like, uh, through high school and college and like just super independent and I had these big dreams and um, every goal that I set, I would hit him and, you know, got married, had babies. And um, as soon as I started having kids, I’d my husband and I made the choice that I would be a stay at home mom, at least for the time being. And I actually like started a side gig. I was selling like flipping things on eBay. So I’ve always had like a side hustle or a side gig and then six sisters started shortly after and so always had something. But, um, I really do feel like I went through a phase where probably for a good decade, I kind of lost who I was.
I became mom and, um, kind of forgot who Camille was and wasn’t setting goals for Camille wasn’t setting like dreams. And wasn’t like, I was, um, so caught up in being the perfect mom and the perfect wife that I forgot to show up for Camille. And it was really fascinating as I was going to therapy. And my therapist was kind of talking to me about this, like, but what are your dreams and what are your goals? And I was like, well, within our business, we’re doing this and this and this. And she’s like, no, but what about Camille? Like what are Camille’s dreams? What are Camille’s goals? And I like, I have big goals for my kids and I have big goals for my husband and dreams for them and dreams for our business. And I really had forgotten Camille and she was even would ask like, okay, well, like what are some things you like to do?
Or what are some hobbies that you have? I literally had none because I was so busy giving to everybody else, which that’s okay, it’s good to serve and it’s good to be selfless. And, but there also has to be a balance. And because I was giving so much to everybody else, I had a lot of resentment and I had a lot of anger feeling like, well, I’m showing up for everyone and no one shows up for me. And like I had to really work through that and I had to be okay taking time for myself. Uh, one of the things that I love to tell my kids, because I really now have things in place where I have time, where I spend by myself every day and I take 15, 20 minutes, 30 minutes just for me. And sometimes it’s not convenient and my kids need me or they’ll be like, mom, mom, mom, can you do that? Of course they’re not yelling. We’re just talking normal. Cause that’s another boundary. But, um, that’s
Camille: Right. But um, what, one of my favorite things to say to them, and I can’t remember who I heard this from. I think it was Kelly Jensen on Instagram, but she said, um, I tell my kids, thank you so much for supporting mom while she does X, Y, Z. It helps me to show up as a better mom. And I love that because it shows your kids like, look at, mom’s still taking care of herself. Camille’s still taking care of Camille because that’s important. I want my daughters to see that. Yeah, I am a mom and I’m a wife and I’m a business owner, but I’m also a woman. And I’m also, I have dreams for myself and goals and hobbies and things that I’m working on. And I feel like it’s really important for my kids to see that boundary that I have set that.
Camille: Yeah, I’m gonna still work on some stuff for me. It might not always be convenient for, you might mean that you have to wait a little bit while mom, you know, spend some time reading or spend some time going on a walk outside or whatever it is that I choose to do that day. But I just love that it’s showing my kids that I’m still gonna show up for myself too. So that’s kind of, I don’t know if that’s necessarily a boundary maybe, but um, I just, I feel like that’s, it’s these parameters that you’ve set up to keep your peace. Because when I spend that time on myself, I show up so much better as a mom and as a wife and as a business owner and all the things that I have going on, like, you know, involvement in the community and involvement in a church and all the different things. So it’s just, it’s keeping that peace. And that’s what boundaries are to me.
Steph: I love that. Also we talked about, I’m going back to like talking about what boundaries are and yeah. What types of boundaries you can set. Um, we’ve mentioned just like small little boundaries, which a lot of the time that’s what it is. Yeah. And sometimes those are flexible. Like you said, like they can’t yell mom, but if they’re yelling mom, because it’s an emergency, like yeah, that’s a flexible boundary. I will attend my children like 100%. Right. Like there’s flexibility in boundaries, but there are some boundaries that need to be set that are more rigid. You and I were talking and you gave the analogy of, of boundaries. Would you share it? Because I think it’s, yeah. It’s important to see like the different kinds and different levels of boundaries that you can and should set.
Camille: Yeah. It’s so like, um, this was again from therapy. I love my therapist. Shout out to Tiffany Trump. <laugh>
Steph: For therapy. We love therapy.
Camille: We do. Oh, I think I wish every single human could go to therapy. I have some of my kids in therapy and it has been a game changer for them and how they handle their anxiety and different things that they’re struggling with. And even things that they’re not struggling with just life. It’s just, it, it helps so much. But, um, so is I was learning how to set some boundaries and for different things in my life, in different situations. Uh, she told me to think of boundaries, not necessarily as this brick wall that I throw up to like, um, you know, keeping people or keeping things that I care about, like totally separated from me. She’s like, I want you to think of it more as like a, a door. And, um, you get to choose when that door is open. You maybe are just opening it a crack or maybe you’re opening it all the way, or maybe of the door closed all the way with the dead bolt locked. Like you get to choose. And every situation is gonna be a little bit different, but going along with what you said, Steph, like there can be flexibility. It doesn’t have to be rigid, but you can also have it be rigid. But then Steph you threw in an example of that, there could be a window on the door.
Steph: I did talk about that because I think one of the most difficult things for, for people our age and younger and even older, like yeah, social media has been introduced to us and we are the generation that has had to figure out yeah. How to parent with social media. Yeah. And like, what are you sharing of your kids? What are you consuming? What are you, when are you looking at it? How much are you looking at it? And so, um, I use, I love the door analogy for boundaries and I thought, you know what? It’s perfect too, because a lot of doors, you know, you put a window in them and you can see through that window or people can see into your home through that window. And you get to decide how much to reveal and how much you’re going to draw back that shade and how much you want to share and how much you feel comfortable sharing.
It also should only be a window. It should not be fling the door wide open, come on in with a camera crew. Let me spill all my darkest secrets. Like there is something to be said for having a private life that is not shared online. Yeah. And I feel like we’ve been put kind of in a unique situation where a lot of our lives are shared online and even sometimes our children and, and we’ve had to set boundaries of, okay, like I don’t feel comfortable sharing my children in this situation or in this type of video or whatever it is, but it’s important to set those boundaries for your safety and your family’s safety as well. Yeah. And I think you can also flip it the other way of when you are looking at other people’s social media and you notice, okay, like I’m looking through this window into their life, like recognizing, like it is just a window and you’re only getting a small, small snippet of it. And you know, I read something the other day that was like it, and it was about boundaries and it was like, it should be a red flag, major alarm going off in your mind, if you are watching something on social media and they are sharing every bit and detail of their lives, that that’s too much, that’s not healthy. Privacy is healthy. Yeah. And, and to recognize that there, there are boundaries set both ways and there should be boundaries around your social media usage and consumption as well.
Camille: Totally it’s social media has been such a fascinating thing the past few year. So when six sisters started and like when Instagram was just taking off and we all had our personal account, um, but it all like toggled back to our main six sisters account, I felt like I had to share my family and I had to share some private things cuz people were like, we wanna see behind the scenes, we wanna see your family. And I felt like that’s just what I had to do. And, um, it was not good for my mental health at all, to open the door wide for everyone to see my family and to see how I was living and what I was doing. And I realized what a toll that was taking on my mental and emotional health. Just, I didn’t have thick enough skin for the comments that would come through sometimes.
And people’s judgements about what they would say about my kids or how I was parenting or what I was wearing or how I decorated my house or that I was doing too much of this and not enough of that. And I just thought, this is ridiculous. This is my life. But I had opened the door and let people in. And so I slammed a close. My boundary became that I was just off social media and I really, it really took a couple of years for me to kind of figure out like, what is my boundary gonna be around social media? And what is it that I’m going to share? Because I have older kids, um, like 15 and 13 and 10, and then I have a five year old. I decided that the time they turned five, cuz that’s kind of, when they get into elementary school is the year that I will start to ask them if it’s okay with them.
If I post a picture because I feel that they should have a say in what it is that I post about them. And a lot of times they’ll say, no, I don’t want you to share with people what we’re doing. And I don’t want my face out there and I don’t blame them. And that is, that’s a boundary that I’ve just helped make with our family. And even like, um, the sisters are so great cuz when we’re all together as a family and doing like a family activity, like they know this boundary is I’ve shared it a lot with them and they’ll ask, is it okay if I post this picture, your kid’s in it? And I’ll be like, oh, let me just ask them really quick if they’re okay with that. You know? And so I just appreciate that. Like I’ve requested of my family, please don’t share any pictures of my kids without asking me first.
And they, and they honor that, um, that boundary that I’ve set and what’s so great about boundaries is sometimes it’s hard and uncomfortable to sometimes set them in place. Like if it’s, it’s kind of hard to be like, okay family, like please don’t post any pictures of my kids, even though we’re all together and it’s something fun and this would be great content for social media, like please don’t post any pictures and that can sometimes be hard to set that boundary. But what I love is if you really wanna have good intimate relationships with people, you’re going to have those open conversations that open honest communication with each other to set that boundary. And I just feel like it just makes your relationship even that much deeper and that much more intimate because I’m willing to share with you, you know, this is something that I feel is important and you can respond and choose how you respond back to that.
And, and maybe you have a problem with it and think that’s stupid. Everybody’s sharing stuff on social media. You should just put your kids on there. And maybe that wouldn’t help our relationship too much. But what I love about my sisters is they took that boundary and they’re totally fine with it and they respect it and it just makes me love them even more. And I feel like that love is reciprocated and so boundaries too. Like they can be hard at first and they can feel selfish at first and they can seem maybe silly to others at first. But what I love is it does give you that opportunity to even, um, strengthen a relationship with someone that much more. And there’s some really cool stuff that can come from having these boundaries in place.
Steph: Absolutely. I think it does help strengthen your relationship because you, as a person setting those boundaries, it helps you feel safe. Um, there was, and still is a time when, you know, and we have a constant group message going on. And a lot of the times, if there is a, a type of conversation happening that I don’t feel comfortable with, I know that I can say, Hey, I understand. Do you wanna have a conversation about X? Could you, uh, take the conversation elsewhere because I’m, can’t mentally have that conversation right now. And like, it’s been incredible to see like, oh, like the apology, like I’m so sorry. Like we can talk about this somewhere else, but like then going into it now in those even text conversations, like I feel so much safer because I set that boundary for myself and I know that, okay, going into those conversations, opening up these text messages, I’m not going to be bombarded with a topic that mentally isn’t good for me. And it, it just helps so much build deeper, safer relationships when you can be open and honest and set boundaries.
Camille: I love that. And don’t you feel like too, when you do share a boundary with somebody or you like, you know, have a request like, please don’t talk about this around me. It makes you feel uncomfortable or whatever it is. And it’s met with that. Oh yeah. Like, thanks for telling me that. I’ll be sure not to do that. Like I just feel so heard. I just feel like, oh, okay. Like thank you. It just, it’s fascinating what it does for your, for your own psyche. Like it just is like, oh, okay. That’s really validating. I appreciate that.
Steph: Yes. Can I ask you a question? And I’m honestly just curious, cause it’s only ever happened a handful of times and I don’t know that I’ve ever come up against it, but I know like a lot of people face this when they first set a boundary and they vocalize that boundary and they’re like, Hey, would you not talk about work after 10:00 PM? Or, Hey, I don’t enjoy being part of conversations like that. Please keep me out of them. What do you do if you set a boundary and, and the response isn’t okay. Thank you so much for sharing. What if it’s well, why not? Or what if that boundary is broken or crossed or what do you do in that situation?
Camille: I’ve thought about this. I’ve actually had it happen before. And um, this is something that I have chosen to do regardless of what the other person, however, they choose to react because who knows. They might think that’s, they might even tell you that’s stupid. Like I’m not gonna do that. I have chosen beforehand what the consequence will be. So if they, if I have a boundary in place and I wanna say, Hey, like please let’s not have. So I, I just don’t feel comfortable having that conversation. Please don’t include me in that. Or, you know, please don’t talk about it around me. And if they’re like, why it doesn’t matter? Like I, that that’s not, no, I’m gonna keep talking about it. What I have already chosen to do beforehand. If they do not stop to continue to talk about it. If I’m in a text, I’ll leave the group.
If I’m there in person and they’re continuing to talk about what I don’t want to, I just leave. I don’t make it a big deal. I don’t, but ah, you didn’t, oh baby, you didn’t do what I want you to do. Like I just quietly leave. Like you don’t have to have a big fanfare, like, and throw a hissy fit, but you just choose to what, what, what are you going to do? How are you going to react? What’s the consequence of their choice and um, just quietly choose to leave. So like for example, another one that, um, I will not tolerate as if, uh, my kids disrespect me, but instead of getting upset and yelling at them, I just calmly say, I do not appreciate you talking to me that way. I’m going to leave the room or I’m gonna go on a walk or I’m going to go into my bathroom for a minute, probably cry.
But I won’t tell him that, uh, just gonna go in my bathroom in a minute and I will finish this conversation with you in about 30 minutes when we both calmed down or at a time when we have both calmed down and I calmly just leave and walk away, like I don’t make it a big, which it’s screaming match at them back. Like I just I’ve chosen that. The best thing for me is just to choose how I’m gonna react and do it calmly, like stick to my guns and, and do that. So that’s kind of the really long answer to your short question.
Steph: No, I love that. And I think it brings up a good point that there is a difference between setting a healthy boundary and manipulation. Yes. And I think that we talked about this a lot that it’s like, if you’re setting a boundary it’s to keep you safe. Yeah. It’s not to manipulate somebody else’s actions. Yeah. If you’re quote unquote, setting a boundary in order to try and control somebody else or their actions, that’s not a boundary that’s manipulation and that’s a, that’s a big, no, that’s a, Nope. That’s not a boundary. That’s not what that is.
Camille: Oh, I love that. It’s so true. And like setting boundaries, like it, it isn’t telling someone what they can or can’t do. Like it it’s, it that’s just not what it is. It’s just about you deciding how you are going to keep your peace and how you are going to show up and how you want to, um, you know, what you want your life to look like and, and the people around you and how they’re going to be. So I love that.
Steph: Yes. Okay. Well, do you have any other thoughts we’ve been going for like 40 minutes?
I could talk about this all day. I love talking about boundaries because they have changed my relationships. Yeah. So much. And like literally it has transformed how I interact with people, how I show up for people where my energy goes to like, it, it really has changed my life. And like I said, like, I wish somebody would’ve explained to me years and years ago, like it’s okay to set boundaries and right by doing so, like, you really can find a deeper piece in your life
Camille: 100%. And you and I talked a little bit before we’ve started recording about how boundaries, um, we’ve given a lot of like physical examples, but also there’s just like mental boundaries and emotional boundaries. And one of them, for me, another boundary that I’ve made is I have turned off all notifications on my phone because I want to choose when I’m going to look at texts. And when I’m going to look at emails and when I am going to respond to all the people that are constantly demanding my time. And so for me, that’s kind of, one of my mental boundaries is just like, I’m in control of my time and I’m gonna choose when I show up for me emails. I only check once a day. And that’s I, if I get a notification, you know, 72 times a day, like that’s so distracting and I’m, it’s hard to focus on anything else.
And so there’s also other boundaries that like just little things like that, that you can do to help with your emotional wellbeing and your mental wellbeing and your spiritual wellbeing and just all the different parts that make up, you know, health in general. It’s just, there’s so many pieces that go into it. But my closing thought, my last thing that I wanted to talk about was just this line that I shared with you earlier, but just says boundaries. Don’t shut people out, but they explain how to come in and be welcomed. And I love that. It kind of is just, I have these boundaries in place not to scare people away, not to make ’em think I’m crazy, but to kind of show them like, this is how, um, I want people to be around me. And I want them to understand that, like, I, I, I’m not gonna respond to your text 24 7, like I’ll respond to it when I get to it. Or I don’t want you to yell to get me to, you know, pay attention to you. Like, I want you to talk at a normal volume and, and come and talk to me. And so I just love that idea of just whatever your, you brings you that inner peace or that self peace like that those are the type of boundaries that you need in place so that you can keep that piece for yourself.
Steph: Yes. Because having that piece helps you show up in the best way possible for everybody else. Because if you are setting those boundaries that protect your peace and help you stay, stay levelheaded, stay emotionally healthy and mentally healthy and spiritually healthy. That’s how you can show up best for other people. Yeah. And, and I love that boundaries can help you do that. I think they’re so important. And I think too, like you were saying, we are all so different and what we need as human beings is so different from person to person, to person. And so the boundaries you set may not look anything like other people’s boundaries and that’s okay, because the important thing is that they are for you and they are to help you keep your peace and help you show up in, in your most, highest, best way.
Camille: <laugh> right. I love that. And isn’t that what we’re here to figure out isn’t that like our ultimate goal is to figure out how to be our best self and show up as our best self. And this is just one of the ways to do it. So. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
Steph: I love that. Well, thank you for tuning in today. I’m not sure how to end this cuz this is one of our very first episodes and I’m just gonna be honest that I’m not sure how to end this. So we’re gonna do an outro of thank you so much for listening. If you wouldn’t mind giving us a rating or review wherever you’re listening to this podcast, please go ahead and do so also, if you found this conversation meaningful or helpful in any way, we would love for you to share it wherever you can, with your friends in a text or on Instagram or wherever it is, we would love for you to share it. Thank you so much for tuning in and we will see you next week.